Mealtimes and Milestones Read online

  My therapist also said how proud she was of me for going swimming. It felt uplifting to get that positive response from someone, because I remember a time when I couldn’t allow myself to feel pride, and I didn’t even let other people hold it for me.

  Thursday 31 January

  In Creative Group, we continued to work on our pieces about each other. Mine was read out. It was so lovely to hear such kind and encouraging things said about me, and it really does make you feel special, and cherished by other people.

  The sheet that was made for me by the other young people in Creative Group

  Friday 1 February

  Lunch at school was really hard because of the anticipation that grew inside me and the anxieties became overwhelming. I just had to keep thinking of my achievements so far, and where I still want to get to, and know that I am stronger and that is what helped me through, but all the way through my illness was so strong:

  ‘Don’t eat, let me back in your life, you were thin, comfortable and beautiful with me and I valued your dedication tome.’

  It was so powerful at lunch, but actually people’s dedication to me felt so much better, and that was much more powerful and got me through.

  Saturday 2 February

  My lessons finished at 11 a.m. and I made the decision to go home, which was quite a big step. I didn’t feel the need to stay and work, and I was able to have the rest of the day to myself and enjoy doing the things that I want to do, rather than should do, because I have never allowed myself to do that before.

  Sunday 3 February

  I went to buy some materials for my Leaving Group31 and it really hit me that I was leaving hospital after seven months. I feel that I am ready to leave, but it is the friendships that I am going to leave behind that I am really going to miss, and the support network.

  Monday 4 February

  Swimming was harder today because there were boys. It made me feel more self-conscious, especially when I had to get out of the pool in front of them. Part of me knows that I don’t need to be so self-conscious because I am not fat, but it is such a tiny part that it didn’t shine through enough to combat my negative thoughts.

  Tuesday 5 February

  I was meant to see my other original key worker for a key session today, but she was ill which means that I am never going to see her again, now she’s going on leave. This really saddens me because she has helped me so much and I wanted to say goodbye. I might be able to have a phone call some time though.

  Wednesday 6 February

  I met with a member of staff today to fill out some psychology forms, so they can compare them with when I first came in. They were mostly related to food and feelings around eating. It was good for me to see where I was still struggling, like rules in my head such as finding it hard to eat extra. Although it was good to see where I have come from, it also seems very daunting because it feels like everything is hard in one way or another. I know that I am not going to be completely better when I leave, and I have known that for a long time, but it’s hard not to be put down by that. For example, one of the questions was,

  ‘When you exercise do you think about calories or weight loss?’

  I couldn’t say no, because I do think about it, but I don’t exercise now because of it, I do it for my enjoyment now. But because I couldn’t say no, I felt like I was completely obsessed. I guess it links with my black-and-white thinking, like you are good or bad, fat or thin. Everything needs to be perfect, which I can see isn’t healthy, but I don’t know how to control it.

  Thursday 7 February

  I had my last family therapy session today. We talked about things that can ‘feed my anorexia’ and how I want to be treated normally and get rid of my anorexic tag, but also want people to realize that I am still ill. I can’t forget that power that you get, and what an invigorating feeling it is when you don’t eat and are in control. It’s like my safety net in the back of my head, but I know if I use it a hole will form and I’ll just drop straight through it into nowhere. I have to trust myself.

  Friday 8 February

  I was the last finishing lunch at school today which made me feel good. I didn’t feel greedy. I know that this is an unhealthy thought process, but it just comes naturally. What scares me, though, is that I still find it really hard to eat in front of my school friends,and I am leaving hospital in a week. How can I break this barrier?

  Saturday 9 February

  An issue came up at lunch. We were meant to be having pizza, but Mum was worried about the calories, and whether she should work it out exactly. I said that this was probably the worst thing that she could do because I’m constantly counting calories, so working them out and worrying about them is an example of ‘feeding my anorexia’. I just took a healthy-looking portion, and managed that without needing to know the exact amount of calories.

  Sunday 10 February

  It struck me today, while I was writing my leaving cards, that I have only got four days left. I’m very mixed about leaving with so many different emotions – fear, excitement, worry, confusion, relief. What I did realize especially today was how much courage all us young people are showing, and what bravery it takes to face your difficulties, and I am probably never going to meet such strong-minded people in my life.

  Monday 11 February

  When I was at school last week I asked my tutor whether I could see my challenge grades.32 She said no because it was not appropriate, and I can understand why, but I felt a bit over-protected by this. I talked about it with my key teacher, and I feel in a bit of a dilemma about it. On the one hand, the grades are there to motivate students, and I certainly don’t need motivation. Also, I can see myself getting back into a ‘work, work, work’ habit because nothing will be good enough. On the other hand, I can’t be protected for ever, and I have to see them one day.

  Tuesday 12 February

  On my phone call I got into a bit of a disagreement with my dad because he and Mum had made the decision to give gifts to some of my core team but not others. I didn’t feel that this was right because they were leaving out my therapist, who has probably done the most work with me, and helped me challenge my thoughts the most, along with my key workers. I feel cross that they didn’t include me in their decision; after all, I am the one who has worked directly with them. What made it worse was that my dad just raised his voice and started speaking faster, because he thinks that means I will take his point of view – and it doesn’t, it means I retreat, so then I am not able to say directly to him what I am feeling, so that doesn’t help any of us. I wish he would put some of the work that we have done into practice.

  A letter from my godmother just before my discharge

  Wednesday 13 February

  My penultimate day. I met with the same member of staff to go through the forms. It was really encouraging to see the progress that I had made from when I came.

  In the evening all of the young people watched Sister Act 1 and 2. I enjoyed spending time with everyone, because I am never going to do it again. I am going to miss the friendships that I have made, and I am going to treasure the support that these amazingly special, talented young people have given me.

  Thursday 14 February

  Oh my goodness . . . this is it. Today I left the hospital.

  I awoke full of excitement, but the reality of it slowly sank in during the day.

  Morning Meeting was really emotional, all these things that I have now done for the last time. The warmth that the community seemed to give me could cure any illness. For the first time I really felt that people cared for me. They valued my presence, and liked me and accepted me for who I am. I feel protected here, and part of me doesn’t want to leave this nest of security.

  The letter my mum and dad wrote to me the day I left hospital

  I got to choose my last leaving lunch. I chose cottage pie and broccoli because it was my first ever meal here, all the way back in July. It’s like a circle. My leaving theme is Rings, because the
y symbolize many things for me. For one thing, I always wear two rings. One is the one that the young person gave me to say good luck when my tube came out. The other one is the one that my parents got me when we went out one weekend. They are quite important for me because I have a habit of spinning them when something is worrying me, so I guess they have also helped the staff a bit! Rings symbolize support circles and being surrounded by love. God is also circling me.

  My case manager and I both gave our speeches. She went first:

  ‘When you told me what your theme was for today I was thinking about the meaning of rings and circles and wanted to include this in my speech, so here it goes!

  ‘When you first came to hospital nearly seven months ago now, I remember you as being very quiet and it seemed that you were often on the edge or separate from the circles at the hospital, preferring to be on your own. It seemed that anorexia had played a part, as it does with many young people, in keeping you separated from some really important circles – circles of people and learning, and at home with your family – and it wanted to do the same when you arrived at the hospital.

  ‘Over time and through a process of trusting and being invited and reassured, you were able to begin to join some smaller circles, moving on to the larger group, and to be involved in the really important journey of learning about yourself through others. This has involved being part of circular processes such as being a good friend and allowing others to be a good friend to you, giving and receiving feedback and support and learning that you can express unhappiness or annoyance with others and they can respond in a way other than you fear. Joining these circles has allowed you to begin to see and us to share the really special qualities that make you who you are and for you to shine as an individual. I wanted to concentrate on the elements that make you Constance despite your achievements (although these are also important) as these can often be the hardest bits to hold on to.

  ‘Just a few examples of these are:

  ‘Being really thoughtful and caring and reaching out to others.

  ‘Expressing and holding on to your own views even when they are different from others (a really good sign of being confident in yourself).

  ‘Always giving things a go! When things don’t look interesting at first glance or you have a scary task to tackle, you are always ready to get stuck in and make the best of things – a quality that will stand you in good stead for the future. Also being able to make people laugh both unintentionally and intentionally, a memorable example being when you shared with the group in school how you felt “gutted . . . like a fish in Tesco’s!!!!!”

  ‘These and many other qualities will go with you on the next part of your journey as you rejoin and become part of new circles, continuing to learn about and gain confidence in yourself both including and despite of your achievements.

  ‘So finally, on behalf of everyone at the hospital I want to wish you lots of strength and happiness and wish you and your family all the best for the future.’

  Then it was my turn:

  ‘I remember travelling in the car almost exactly seven months ago to be admitted to hospital. I didn’t really know where I was going. I didn’t really know much about my illness, but most of all I didn’t really know much about myself and who I really was.

  ‘My time here for me feels a bit like I have been on my surfboard in a rough storm, and only recently have the waves started to subside, but now that the worst of the storm is over, I feel so much stronger to continue fighting outside of here, because while I’ve been here, I’ve realigned my priorities, and being ill certainly isn’t one of them any more.

  ‘The support here is incredible, especially from the amazing staff – you really do help to turn young people’s lives around, and I really do appreciate every bit of it, and to the young people, just keep going because we all deserve so much better than illness and I’m going to miss everyone here so much.’

  In my Leaving Group I had a gold canvas and I got people to do hand prints on it. I wanted them to do this so that I had something to take away with me, and it reflects on all our individualities.

  When it is time to leave everyone makes a tunnel going from the door, so you hug everyone and then go under everyone’s arms out of the door. Everyone in that tunnel had contributed to my recovery.

  So that was it – it was goodbye to hospital and anorexia and I welcome my future with a sense of positivity and self-belief. I am now closer to my future than I was yesterday, and I know that I can do this . . .

  AFTER DISCHARGE

  August 2009

  That was my journey through hospital as an in-patient in an eating disorders unit. You have read my hopelessness and hopefulness. You have read each of my diligent steps through recovery from anorexia.

  I have done amazingly well since being discharged and the devil of anorexia has no power over me. Yes, very, very, occasionally some days are still hard, and I do want to return to it, but I can’t. I don’t want to be remembered now as the anorexic, or the girl with the tube; instead I want to be known as Constance. I love being free, and I am now living the life that I have always imagined.

  When I think back, I often can’t believe that I have got to this point. Two years ago all I wanted to do was starve myself to death, in the belief that it would make me a better person. When I read that article in the newspaper in September, I thought that anorexia would be something that I would just have to put up with and base my life around, but in actual fact, now it isn’t part of my life at all – apart from in a positive way, by raising awareness. I am now a Young Ambassador for Beat33 which means that, by working with the media, I try to help change the stereotypes that people face when suffering from an eating disorder. I love not having to live by inner rules and I love understanding myself and feeling comfortable with who I am. Ironically, instead of seeking happiness by trying to fulfil my previous desires, I have found my happiness by restricting them.

  After my discharge I met with my out-patient therapist once a week. The first time I saw her was a few days after I’d left hospital and I didn’t really want to see her, so the session was very awkward. I didn’t want to have to make new connections; it just felt like another thing to have to do. But you can’t tell people about how you are feeling until you trust them, so first I had to learn to trust her. It helped to think that I would much rather be meeting someone from an out-patient team than being an in-patient again. Once we had built up a relationship the support was invaluable, and it has been one of the reasons why I’ve been able to stay healthy.

  The work of the out-patient staff was to maintain me through recovery, but I began this long journey in hospital. The staff there were so fantastic, and although we gave them little gifts when I left, no presents will never repay them for what they have done and supported me through – their work is priceless. They fought with me against anorexia. And they helped me to win.

  When I was discharged I didn’t follow a meal plan, nor was I weighed. We talked this through with my out-patient team and my parents and we all felt that it was the right decision for me. I had worked really hard at trying to detach myself from weights and figures, and I knew from the moment I walked out of the doors of the hospital that I wanted to lead a normal life. I understood that if there were any doubts about my health then I would need to be weighed and go back on to a meal plan. Inside me, though, I had enough self-belief to know that it wouldn’t be necessary. However, I’ve had to realize that some parts of my life I won’t be able to return to. I am now doing exercise in a normal healthy way, yet running is just too dangerous a trigger for me. I started running in competitions again and qualifying for further races, but it started to unbalance me, and it was just too much of a risk, so I had to pull out. Although this makes me sad and I really want to be able to continue to run, I just have to accept that it is too dangerous for me to return to it.

  My life since discharge hasn’t always been an easy ride, and it is important to note that I did suffer
a relapse for about two months around Christmas time 2008. The voice crept back in and I started excessively exercising again in secret. My mum instinctively knew that something was wrong and was vigilant and tried to find a way for me to open up, but I just kept pushing her away and saying that I was fine. It took about two weeks for me to acknowledge that I was slipping back down into my destructive habits, but because of the work I had done in hospital I was able to recognize what was happening, and I finally took the decision to confide in my mum. Immediately my support network stepped up again and I was able to come through it.

  I would imagine that it is common for a relapse to occur during recovery, and it is essential to remember that if you suffer a relapse it doesn’t mean that you are a bad person, or that you have let people around you down, because you haven’t. I remember feeling such a huge guilt because of all the effort that people had put into helping me, but actually recovery is such a huge task, and no one is expecting it to be plain sailing. Also, if you do experience a relapse, it doesn’t mean that things will go back to the way they were, because I think somewhere inside you realize that you don’t want to go back to anorexia, and in fact it was my memories of how bad things were that helped to get me through. Unlike the first time when my mum took me to the doctor, when I was so cross with her because I didn’t want any help, this time was different, and I was very grateful for the extra support, and that my appointments with my out-patient therapist could easily be increased depending on how I was feeling. It was also really helpful when both my therapist and my parents said to me, ‘We will not let you get ill again.’ In fact, we didn’t name it as a relapse; we just referred to it as a small dip in my recovery – which, to be honest, is how I would also describe it. Acknowledging what was happening was the first step, and because I was able to do this, the healthy side of me was able to get stronger and stronger again, and within a couple of months the anorexia had left me – for the last time.